Mar
13
Coronavirus: Trump Visits the CDC & Italy Locks Down | The Daily Show


Outside of China, one of the countries hardest hit
by the coronavirus has been Italy. Corona cases there seem
to be doubling overnight, and it’s gotten so bad
that at the Sistine Chapel, -God is now refusing
to touch man. -(laughter) And as for the government
of Italy, they’ve just decided
to shut it all down. All of Italy
is going on lockdown. Tonight the prime minister
announcing drastic new measures just a short time ago,
essentially telling everyone in his country to stay home. NEWSMAN: Prime Minister Giuseppe
Conte announcing tonight severe restrictions
on the entire nation of around 60 million people. From tomorrow morning,
all sporting events are off, including soccer. The general public
should only go to work and work from home if possible. In a Rome suburb, the faithful
celebrated Mass outdoors. Notice the distance
between them, adhering to government advice
that members of the public should stay three feet away
from one another. Yeah, that’s right, folks.
Thanks to corona, Italy is completely locked down. No soccer matches. No cinema. Even church has changed, because worshippers
don’t want to get too close. And it’s gonna be hard to take
communion seriously when the… the priest has to throw wafers
into people’s mouths from across the room–
can you imagine that? Just gonna be like,
“The body of Christ… -from downtown!”
-(laughter) But it’s not just Europe. Coronavirus is also wreaking
havoc here in the U.S. And it’s becoming clear
that no one is safe. Back here in this country,
two members of Congress are putting themselves
under quarantine, because a man attending
a large gathering of Republicans tested positive
for the coronavirus. Senator Ted Cruz and Congressman Paul Gosar say
they had contact with the man at last month’s event,
known as CPAC. NEWSWOMAN: Two additional
Republican congressmen will undergo self-quarantine. Matt Gaetz and Doug Collins
join Senator Ted Cruz… NEWSMAN: Cruz releasing
a statement saying: Yeah. Because coronavirus
was at CPAC, four Republican lawmakers
are now quarantined and can have no human contact. And Ted Cruz is like,
“What’s human contact?” (laughter) Now, what’s really concerning is that if it turns out
multiple people in Congress have had corona contact, they might have to send
all of Congress home. Which would be a disaster, because if there’s no one
in Congress, then who would be left
to not pass any laws? And look, with coronavirus
spreading across the country, I know a lot of people
are scared right now. But there is no need to fear,
my friends, because, you see,
the stable genius in chief is on the case, and he’s
gonna do everything he can to help all of us
through this thing. Unless you’re already sick–
then-then you’re on your own. NEWSMAN:
This morning, 3,500 people on the Grand Princess
cruise ship will disembark in Oakland,
California. Of the just 45 people tested,
21 have confirmed cases. All guests will remain
in isolation for 14 days. Politico reports that Pence
and Health Department officials reason that
quickly removing passengers was the safest outcome. But the president,
he had a very different idea. (laughter) You know one thing
I appreciate about Trump is that even if he does
the right thing, he still tells us that he wanted
to do the wrong thing. He’s like, “Everyone told me to
save those people on the boat, “but if it was up to me,
I’d let those bastards die. -(laughter)
-“Just give me one fire arrow, “and I’ll solve the boat problem
Viking style. Boom. Corona’s
Valhalla’s problem now.” (laughter) What’s fascinating
about Trump is that, even as he bumbles his way
through the corona response, he thinks that he’s doing
an amazing job. Yeah. Yeah, maybe you
should have done a lot of things -(cheering) -other than
running for president. But… but this is
where we are now. And I’ll be honest, even
if Trump had some other job, I still think he’d just find
a way to somehow ruin things. Like, even if he was a mailman,
he’d still screw things up. Be like, “Ding-dong,
I’ve got your corona vaccine. “But I ran over it
with my truck. If you suck on the cardboard,
you should be fine.” And by the way, I…
I’m not sure that Trump has a natural ability for science, especially considering that
he thinks scientific knowledge can be passed down
through his uncle. (laughter) Trump doesn’t have…
a natural abi… he doesn’t have
a natural anything. I mean, that’s
why we can all see his tan wiping off on his collar. -There’s nothing natural
about this man. -(groans) Yeah. That’s not a normal thing. (laughter) Look, man, clearly Trump
is not a natural expert at this, because he said the vaccine
could be ready in a few months. It can’t.
A couple weeks ago, he said the number of cases
would quickly go down to zero. It has been the opposite.
He even said that you can’t spread
the disease if you sneeze
with your eyes open. -Achoo! It doesn’t help.
-(laughter) And look, Trump… Trump
can’t afford to be misinformed about corona,
not just because he’s president, but because, as an older man
who’s not in great shape and spends his time
touching strangers, he’s definitely at risk. If Trump is not careful,
he could get sick, he could be incapacitated,
or, worst of all, he could be trapped
in quarantine with Ted Cruz.